Friday, June 27, 2008

A Note to Visitors in Our National Capital Region

Okay, put on your sense-of-humor hats for this one! I think the locals and those who've lived in the DC region can REALLY appreciate this post! One of Denise's friends forwarded this to her and it had me rolling!

The DC Metro area is near the top of the list regarding heavily congested roadways. Believe me, I deal with it almost everyday! For the record, I did not write any of this =) Just wanted to share what's floating on the web and through emails.

For those who plan to visit our area, here are a few rules to follow...
  1. First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington.
  2. Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If you are in Loudon or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
  3. There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
  4. All directions start with 'The Beltway'... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an 'inner' and 'outer' loop designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
  5. The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound. Avoid the Chesapeake Bay Bridge unless you pack a lunch (possibly dinner too).
  6. If there is a ball game at Fed-Ex Field (Redskins' stadium), there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington (it's Prince Georges County). They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure. And for the record, I live in Prince Georges County =)
  7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages.)
  8. Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest Giant or Safeway for toilet paper, bread, and milk.
  9. Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate', but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opened in the 1960's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
  10. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we must be in Takoma Park or Silver Spring'.
  11. If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Please heed the warning.
  12. All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World & Ryderwood.
  13. Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows. And despite what MapQuest or Expedia or Google Maps tell you, there are no roads actually named 'Local Road'.
  14. If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, Spanish helps. If in Annandale, Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If in DuPont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street Corridor areas, tolerance for same sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in South East... well, just don't.
  15. A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you 16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand. Laws requiring meters have passed but the cabbies are fighting it.)
  16. Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. This traverses a stretch of roadway locally referred to as The Mixing Bowl.
  17. There is nothing more comforting than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! (Truer words have never been written!)
  18. The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered down right sissy. If police are present, then 55 are acceptable, but as soon as the police are out of view, the speed goes back to 85.
  19. The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
  20. The far left lanes on all Maryland and VA interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left lanes at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
  21. The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go. Baltimore's Beltway is a kiddie ride compared to ours.

There you have it! Hope you got a laugh!


Chris Harvey said...

This made my morning. So funny.

Noah Hayes said...

I love number 8

shelby leigh said...

thats was good! I call it PG county all the time, I grew up in Bowie. ;) Don't pop a vessel!

Erin J. Photography Blog said...

So funny and so true! We were just talking about the left lane and turning signal ridiculousness!

Michael Rowley Photography said...

haha wow one my best friends lives in DC! I'm gonna have him read this and I'm sure he'll agree

Anonymous said...

This is SO TRUE!!!!! hahaha


Erin Harvey said...

All true! And scary. And who decided on the spelling of Loudoun County? Weirdos.

Ray Santana said...

I got the your call armin just been so busy. I will call you during the week bro.... goodtimes

david & kimi baxter said...

#7 & #11 are my favs!! my wife may have found her driving equals!! ha!!AWESOME post armin!

SoireeLaura said...

Haha Armin-- these are so sad and true at the same time. #20 made me laugh because the Dulles Toll Road is exactly like that too.

Shane Melenbacker said...

It's been 10 years since I lived in "DC" and things haven't changed a bit. Makes me a little homesick!

K.a.r.l.o. said...

I've always suspected #18. Thank you for confirming.

MattDJ said...

Dude...this is hilarious!!! And scary!!! :-) I may have to hit you up for some traveling tips if the seminar next month works out for my schedule.

Jenne said...

Too funny, I should have read this before I went to Washington... err, I mean "DC" last week!

Lauren said...

That was Awesome!!!!. I'm heading into the area tomorrow....yikes. Acutally my husband is from DC (Silver Spring, Tacoma Park)..and for 5 years has complained about NJ roads. I can't wait to send him this post. Thanks for making my day.